Four Loko Fruit Punch - Back to the beginning

If you remember the first drink I had, it was a very girly red punch like substance called Max Vibe that did a good measure on my liver and my sobriety.  If you don't remember it, click over to the next page, it really wasn't long ago.  Anyway, it was, like this one, a member of a growing faction of heavily caffeinated, high ABV, fruit flavored tall boys available in liquor store coolers across the country.  They're obviously aimed at the fairer sex, but who cares, I like fruit punch and it's Friday night, I'll do what I want.  I was hoping to make tonight another two-fer, but I remembered on the drive home that I've already reviewed Mickey's and Bud Light.  Touche universe, you've saved me from making an ass of myself (again) on the internet.  So I'll throw all my efforts at this one, the camo-canned kick in the face called Four Loko Fruit Punch.

 I must first note that the above ad is, in fact, outdated.  It claims 11% ABV, while my can says 12%.  They're headed in the right direction, and very obviously trying to keep up with the competition *cough*Max Vibe*cough*.  There are also like seven flavors of Four Loko, though I've only stumbled upon four thus far.  This one is fruit punch flavored, which is dead on, as this smells exactly like Hawaiian Punch.  A first sip reveals that the smell is pretty indicative of flavor, it's an adult version of the aforementioned beverage.  That being said, how different can two 12% ABV, fruit punch flavored malt beverages be?  This tastes exactly like Max Vibe, perhaps a tad sweeter, but I probably couldn't tell the difference if I didn't see the can.  They're also at the same price point, which is another gripe of mine.  Why do they cost 3 bucks?  Yeah, it's not exactly breaking the bank, but it's a tall boy of vodka and Hawaiian Punch, how much can that cost to make, 18 cents or so?  I'd say the $1.50 to $2.00 price point would make these more appealing, keep them competitive with the dirty 40's.  Also, since I'm complaining, what's with the camo can?  There is no tie to anything related to the military.  Explain yourself Four Loko.

One of my favorite things about cheap alcohol is the simplicity of the labels.  I have no info on where the ingredients came from, how they were combined, or what I should be tasting, which means I have none of that info to regurgitate to you.  This is nothing more than a "premium malt beverage" that boasts a good kick of booze and an incredibly vague "fruit punch" flavor.  The simplicity is hard to match, and is a great way to start a Friday night.  That is literally all I have to say on the subject, it's sweet, it's red, it's cheap, and it'll get you buzzing.  Nuf said.


Final Grade: C+.  Why?  Because it's the same grade I gave to Max Vibe.  They're damn near indiscernible.  On the off chance that this is more or less expensive than Max Vibe (or Joose for that matter), choose the cheaper of the two.  Or something else.  You'll be equally disappointed either way.

Girly Grade: A-.  Why?  See above.  The girls (and the lady-like-men) are the people that Four Loko want drinking this stuff.  Don't disappoint them.  They will find you.  By the way, they're from La Crosse, Wisconsin, just in case you care.

Another random note from the website of this "Four" company (here for those too lazy for google), their loading pages indicate that they seem to think that 1.00% is equivalent to 100%.  I challenge your logic Four, as 100 is, in fact, 100 times 1.00.  Crazy Wisconsinites.  Anyway, one of these days I'll pick up a mixed 6 pack and go nuts, but until then, expect about a review a week from me.  Perhaps less.  I haven't started my new job yet and I have bills to pay, so beer is taking a bit of a back seat.  But don't fear, soon enough I'll be back in the workforce and back to doing a number on my liver for your reading pleasure.  Until next time, bottoms up.

-The Drunken Dane